Goodbye, My Sweet

It’s been about three weeks that I’ve been off the artificial stuff. I had some saccharine today because I didn’t have any Stevia on me. That hasn’t been the  hard part. It’s the sugar that’s been killing me.  I just want Sweetness so bad! So I’m off the artificial stuff but I’m eating the real stuff. How stupid is that? I feel so embarrassed and ashamed that I’m struggling so badly with this.

And I have to ask myself again, should I be making such a big deal about the artificial stuff if it keeps me off the real stuff? I’m certainly not losing any weight. I’m just so frustrated. And I just want to eat. And eat.

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It was an ordinary Sunday morning. I got up and went to church to sing in the choir. (I’m an agnostic who likes to sing.) I had some water but needed a cough drop to moisten my throat so I pulled out a sugar-free cough drop sweetened with aspartame. Not bad.  I could forgive that. Then I went over to the coffee social after the service with the rest of the choir. Something I never do. Lo and behold they had my very favorite donuts. From there I slid further by buying some popcorn and chocolate when I had to stop for gas on the way home.

Man, does sugar mess with me. I slid straight down into depression. I feel lethargic and I can’t wait to get into bed. How many times to I have to learn this lesson?

It will be two weeks tomorrow that I’ve stopped consuming diet soda and splenda. I’ve been using a lot of Truvia. I’ve also been drinking about four cups of coffee a day with half & half. I’m a true believer in the teachings of Dr. Adkins, Gary Taubes and the other low carb gurus so I don’t think that calories are as important as carbs. But, I think you can go overboard.  The half & half is going overboard for me. Lactose is a form of sugar so it may be stimulating and satisfying a milder form of sugar craving. The next step in the process is to stop using the half & half in my coffee.  I will continue to use some dairy in cooking and eat a little cheese here and there.

I’m concerned that this will also be difficult but if I could kick the diet soda and splenda, I should be able to kick a little dairy product.

The withdrawal symptoms have subsided and I’m feeling much better. Before there was this constant craving that gnawed at me. I’ve also found that that obsessive thinking about food has gone away as well. You know, that constant, “What can I eat? What can I EAT!” feeling. I attribute this to being achieving ketosis.

I believe that staying way from the diet sodas and the Splenda has helped to curb the desire for sweets.  I didn’t like Truvia when I first tried it because it didn’t tasted sweet enough for me. Now Truvia tastes good to me and I’m cutting down because even that’s too sweet if I put too much in my coffee or my flavored sparkling water. As sweet as Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Coke could be they were never be too sweet for me.  Even lots of Splenda in my coffee never got to be too sweet.  I never knew there could be such a thing as too sweet.

BTW, I’ve lost a couple of pounds in the last week.

As I’ve said before, I’ve been using Stevia and Truvia. Well, I’ve been using a lot of Stevia and Truvia. Is it really worth the expense? I really have to do some kind of cost benefit analysis here.  I haven’t lost any weight. I’m spending more more on groceries. I’m not sure that there’s any great advantage to this experiment of mine.

Of course I could just stop using all sweetners and that is the ultimate goal here. So I guess this is a step towards that goal. So I’ve got to have faith.

I cannot believe the amount of time I spent thinking about diet soda today. My favorite is caffeine free diet Dr. Pepper but I like caffeine free diet Coke. I kept myself hydrated with water. I had a couple cups of coffee with Half & Half and Truvia. That was so satisfying.

I imagined the taste of the Dr. Pepper and how sweet it is. It really has a complex combination of flavors. It’s sweeter than Diet Coke. I could imagine the feel of sweet liquid cooling my throat. I miss it so.

It’s been only four days. Four frakking days. I told myself I would commit to 30 days just to see what would happen. Now I’m thinking that if I can hold out for seven days that will be amazing. I really want to pull this off but if I don’t lose weight it may not be worth it. Oh, yeah.  That’s the point of all this. I want diminish cravings for sweets because I want to lose weight. This is harder than resisting cookies or ice cream.

To make up for the diet soda I’ve been drinking tea with stevia. I found a flavored sparkling water that I like but I add a packet of Truvia. Am I defeating the purpose? Should I just go back to drinking diet soda to make me happy? I’m still craving something sweet. I’m still trying to make up for something. Is it a hole in my soul or a hole in my way of eating?

I’m following a gut feeling here. Every instinct in my body tells me that I’m doing the right thing. But is it instinct or is is perfectionism? All my life I tried to be a “good girl”, do everything just right. If I made the slightest mistake I considered my efforts wasted. Mistake =  failure.

If I’m a “good girl” and don’t eat any of the “bad stuff” will I be rewarded? Will I finally deserve to lose weight, to be thin?