Goodbye, My Sweet

I feel like something is missing. All day long I felt like I’d lost something. I felt as if I were in mourning.  That’s the only way I can put it. Why am I putting myself through this? Really. Is it really worth the aggravation? Does it really matter?

I wanted to get rid of my sweet tooth. I’ve convinced myself that I need to do this. But is it really necessary? Do I really want to deny myself this little pleasure?

I’ve been thirsty all day and no amount of water seemed to quench it. I was looking for something that I couldn’t find in water. Talk about one day at a time. Now I’m convinced that I have some kind of addiction that is fed by sugar and aspartame.

Tomorrow I give up diet soda. No aspartame at all. I’m even giving up cough drops and mouthwaste that contain aspartame. 

I am more anxious about this than giving up sugar. Maybe I’m moving too fast. Maybe I’m trying to give up too much at one time. That’s the fear talking. I know this is a necessary step for me. I must get away from all forms of sweetness. As long as I give in to every desire for something sweet, I’m doing damage to myself.

If I’m out with friends at a casino that allows smoking, I can smoke one even two cigarettes and not be effected.  I can hold onto a pack of cigarettes for 6 months.  Of course after six months they taste like smoking dirt. But I have had smokers marvel at the fact that I can do this. 

And yet I marvel at those people who can eat one cookie.  Or how about this one: your dinner companion orders a piece of cheesecake, eats three bites then says, “God, I’m full. I can’t eat another bite!” I’d dive across the table and gobble up the rest in one gulp. But that would be impolite.

Why can I smoke but not eat sugar? Why is diet soda even more difficult than sugar? I’ve been watching the various mental disorder shows on tv.  Hoarders is my favorite. Of course I love Celebrity Rehab because who doesn’t love to watch f*cked up celebrities. The newest reality addiction show “My Strange Addiction”.  Is it behavioral or is it physical? Is it both.  I think it’s both. AFter years of eating the wrong things, by brain feels like it would die without sugar and aspartame.  Dr. Drew says that all the time about drugs. Sometimes I do feel like I’ll go absolutely crazy without something sweet even if it is diet soda.

Affirmation: I fill my body with the food it needs. I am strong enough to reject any substance that will harm me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I tried the Stevia today. Had about the same reaction I had to the Truvia. It’s okay but I didn’t find it satisfying. I’m not sure what I want satisfied. But whatever I desire is now not being fulfilled by Truvia and Stevia. Caffeine free Diet Dr. Pepper does. I don’t know how I’m going to get off that stuff.

I used Truvia in my coffee today instead of Splenda. Seemed to me that something was missing. I didn’t feel complete. Interestingly, I found that I wasn’t really interested in a second cup of coffee at work.

After dinner I had decaf with Truvia and some coconut butter. Yum.

Honestly, I’m afraid to try the Stevia I have in the cabinet because of the after taste. I don’t know why I even bought it.  My thinking at the time was that I should try Stevia because Truvia was “corporate” stevia. You know, agri-business co-opting something natural and beautiful and using it to exploit the little guy. Yeah, I’m a bit of a lefty.

Starting tomorrow I am replacing Splenda with Stevia and Truvia. I love Splenda. It is the next best thing to sugar in my opinion.  I’ve tried Stevia and Truvia before and all I can say is – eh, it’s okay. But artificial sweetners can have an effect on blood sugar because the body can react as it would to sugar in some people. But can Stevia do the same thing? Will my body say, “Hey, this is sweet. I must react.” (My body doesn’t really talk this way. It tends to be verbose so, I paraphrased)

And then there’s the philosophical question; should I be putting any added sweetness in my mouth? If the point is to stop craving sweetness, should I be adding any kind of sweetness at all? I think that’s a more advanced step I’ll take later on.

I test every day with a ketostix but I think testing every other day should be enough to keep me in check.